I love food as much as the next girl, maybe more, and I admit I think about food probably just as much as I think about anything else, except various ways to antagonize my husband. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned in my 33 years on this planet is do. not. eat. with. foodie. friends. I was reminded of this basic life maxim when I broke it last weekend while visiting my old college roommate in New York.
Our friendship back in our roommate days centered around food and our mutual appreciation of it. My friend, like many foodies, is also a great cook–this is how you can tell the real foodies (like her) from the fake foodies (like me). And I’ve learned a foodie’s cooking doesn’t have to be a delicious meal, just a meal they consider delicious.
Here’s a list I came up with last weekend of 10 ways to tell if your friend’s a foodie so that, going forward, you can avoid dining with them at. all. costs. This list is totally non-specific to my old college roommate, but, lucky for me, she does not read this blog.
How to Know If Your Friend’s a Foodie
1. They are constantly broke or complaining about money, but don’t mind spending $27 on an appetizer before ordering dinner.
2. They are too cheap to take a cab to the restaurant, dragging you through the sweltering, rat-infested NYC subway and switching trains 3 times, only to spend $200 on dinner.
3. They don’t mind taking a $45 cab to this “really cheap place that’s super good.”
4. There’s always a “great hole in the wall place” that “nobody knows about” and is a “total secret” until you arrive and have to wait 75 minutes to get a table.
5. They exaggerate how delicious foods are that you don’t understand why exist, such as foams, foie gras, marrow, anything deconstructed, anything “premature,” and odd pork parts that should not be ingested.
6. Every place they recommend is “one of the best meals they’ve ever had” or “really interesting” and every restaurant you take them to is “just okay.”
7. Every time you go to dinner with them, all they can talk about is one of the following: a critique of the present meal, a time when they were traveling and ate something like the present meal, a time when they cooked something like the present meal, or this one time they ate something like the present meal.
8. Everything always comes down to two choices that they’re “deciding between” and they always pick what sounds less appetizing.
9. They take food photography to a whole other level, never missing a shot of a single dish, setting the food on the floor to get better shots, angling their dishes next to their face to take pictures with the food, making you get up so they can “get better light,” or asking if they can get a picture with the chef.
10. You begin to suspect that that there’s something wrong with you because you enjoyed your last trip to Subway more than the meal the describe as “one of the best they’ve ever had.”
If any of these sound like you, please do not take me to dinner!!